Day 19. The Big and Bold Don't Always Win

We consciously didn’t have lots of beers last night so we’d be fresh for this morning. And although we kept saying it last night I never thought it would stand. Well it did. And I felt fresh. We were going to Santa Barbara, which is a really nice coastal town about two hours North of LA. It was very quant with a really nice harbour. We looked around and went for Lunch, I indulged in my favourite cocktail- a mojito. And then a raspberry mojito. I tell you this vital piece of information as it is exactly that, vital. It impeded our judgement in the moments to follow.

I had always wanted to take a sailing boat out, and Tris thought this was a great idea. We noticed some children practicing their sailing and went into the boat hire shop. It was full of artwork and carpeted booths everywhere- I also felt this was a place where people bought boats. I already felt out of my depth. We tried the well spoken and enunciated British accent ‘We’d like to hire a boat please’. ‘Have you sailed before?’ Between skiing and playing Polo I do. ‘Well there is a basic written test you need to take’. We felt disheartened, but then the mojitos sunk in and we came out with ‘easy’. I could have flown a fighter jet with my current confidence. She handed us paper and pencils, and I suggested we move outside...buying time. The questions were hard. We had no experience. We had to draw where the sails would be due to wind direction and who had right of way when crossing paths. Name all three coloured buoys according to their shape. Some questions we wrote with such poor handwriting we hoped they couldn’t read it and would be too embarrassed to ask about it. We were too far in now, we’d written our exam paper and handed it back to the women with a level ten of confidence. ‘Right well you’re ready to go...the pointed buoy is red not green...’ in unison ‘oh, it’s the other way round in England’. She believed us, we were now given charge of a 20ft boat, with sails either side pointing high towards the heavens and heading towards the vast ocean. 

The guy un-hooked us and threw the ropes on board. Something obviously clicked with him as he started shouting out ‘starboard, now move port and loosen the jibe with your left hand. Rudder right and keep eyes on the rope’...what the bloody hell is this guy saying? Whatever language he was talking in he got Tris and I panicked and we became a blubbering wreck. As we tried to nod and follow his instructions and navigate around $500,000 boats I almost abandoned ship. Before we knew we’d done a complete circle and were now heading back towards to the dock we’d just left. Slightly over in fact and heading for the rocks. Tris jumped for the dock and pulled us in. Within 3 minutes we’d gone from arrogant and proficient sailors to weeping wailing girls. The guy asked what was wrong and like anyone in our situation we responded with ‘it’s been a while since we last sailed and thought Kayaks would be more fun’. It was mortifyingly embarrassing but the kayaks were fun. We went right out into the ocean and then back around the marina, only to have some seals start swimming around us. He didn’t fool me though, if things kicked off I could have hit him with my oar. But they were in fact friendly. 

We walked around the marina and enjoyed the picturesque town. A good day but very tiring. 

Lesson Learnt: Things take time to learn, who am I to say a few mojitos will give me powers to take on the impossible.  

Day 18. Rugby, Beers and Shrimp

I woke up today and decided something. This isn’t a holiday and I am certainly not allowed to call it that. But it is a break and I should take more advantage of doing things without thinking I need to work every day. I wasn’t going to work today and maybe not tomorrow. I agreed with myself this wasn’t a ‘throwing in the towel moment’ but it was a ‘chill out Mark, go for a few midday beers, have fun’ moment. It was an epiphany. We were going to watch a rugby game Tris found through BritsinLA. This is going down as ‘see a sporting event’. Maybe in my mind I’d imagined something American but I’d looked into prices and it’s actually something the UK is cheaper for.

The journey there was interesting enough. We passed a motorbike on fire! I took the obligatory tourist photos. But I’d checked before I’d snapped that no one was on fire. There was a guy sitting next to the bike clearly thinking ‘my mum is going to kill me’. Then I saw a bumper sticker that intrigued me. Here it is....

 

Are the disabled? Do they have a fetish for disabled people? What is this advertising?

So this is it, burley animals of men chewing ears off each other and breaking bones! It was a kid’s match! How did we know? On reflection I supposed with it being in a school we should have read between the lines. It was fun, and it was hot. We met up with two people holidaying here that Tris knows and quite frankly he was a hero. Mickey and Jowell, I don’t know how well this will come across on paper but a joke that tickled me for a few hours went like this. There was one child on the rugby pitch that particularly stood out. A Samoan/Mexican looking kid that was very large, I believe he was defence. Not in defence he was the defence. Whilst everyone looked about 13 this one looked 20, I think he lit up a cigarette half way through. But the main point was his size, he was large. Mickey said ‘he hasn’t done much since Hook’ I questioned it and he reminded me of the character in Hook- the fat kid (Thud Butt was his name IMDB) who rolled into a ball and took out Pirates. I couldn’t breath. Briiilliant.  

We went back to the place Tris and I were at yesterday in Venice and had lunch. After that we checked out the beech- I took my top off for the first time this break. Classics came out of everyone’s mouths ‘oh Mark have you already put sun cream on? Oh Mark I didn’t know you were an albino’. It was all very clever and mature. I had to give it to them.

We enjoyed the sun go down and relished in what makes the Californian beach what it is; girls in thong bikinis. I hadn’t noticed. Two of our group went into the water, and you’d think the water would be warm, well it isn’t. Think of the Thames around November time, it is surprisingly cold. I assume that’s why Pamela Anderson and The Hoff ran into the water so quick in Baywatch. The quicker in, the quicker out. And in an unfashionable way Micky and his wife were called out of the sea by a life guar. He never even touched the edges. But he called them out and said ‘a rip tide was coming in’. I assume he meant sharks and agreed with myself about how dangerous the sea is.

We went to Bubba Gumps for dinner. Now, this was either created based on the film Forrest Gump or Forrest Gump incorporated it into the film. A question our waiter’s couldn’t answer. But I can tell you there was a lot of shrimp (prawns) on the menu. And I don’t know what nuclear chemicals had been missed with to make the, so unnaturally large and tasty. But they were good. 

A few beers and laughs later we called it a night.

Lesson learnt: Read the fine print and fill in the blanks. If you’ve been invited to something for free it might not be what is advertised.

Day 17. An Agent In LA?

So the day of reckoning, the big meet. Will I get a contract thrown in my face with the promise of everything I've ever wanted? I consciously suppressed such thoughts and simply said the words 'Calm Down'. I again shouldn't expect much of anything, it's a simple interview that I've done numerous times before. Besides it was also at 3pm and its now only 9:30am. 

To the gym, unfortunately I need to now start paying. And the worst bit is I can't even pay for one month as I need to give 30 days’ notice to cancel. So it'll cost $60 for two weeks! All that running around, ducking and diving other gym memberships had been to no avail. As it happened I'd forgot my ID and the pedantic little gym Nazi wouldn't let me in. So while Tris worked out, I chilled out. On the beach. Yup, you can just do that here. 

Just outside the supermarket there is always a guy trying to sign people up to something. Today it was to save the less fortunate on Skid Row. You heard me correctly, there is a very poor area of LA where a lot of poor individuals live. I'd got chatting to one of these 'Chuggers' (charity muggers) the other day and he was telling me about the horrific conditions of Skid Row. From memory I am sure he used ‘it’s like Hellman Province in Iraq' but don't quote me on that. I handed over a couple of dollars. Which instantly meant I was allowed an opinion about this. I simply said one sentence. 'I think the first thing you need to do to help this situation is change the name'. Who on Earth wanted to go to Skid Row? Just saying those words Skid Row conjures up thoughts of Somalia. You name it something like 'Crisp Boulevard' or 'The Hills' and people will start visiting. I'll tell you why no wants to live there...because its call Skid Row! As my speech was coming to an end and I felt more triumphant than Obama’s inauguration the guy had already moved on. 

Anyway. The guy outside the supermarket was trying to sign people up to...legalise cannabis. Hardly the same level of importance than 'improving education' or 'achieving world peace'. Maybe they're on commissions or rotation from the supermarket. Still, this guy felt he had course and wanted signatures. And on the way out a mother and daughter shared a rare moment of beauty and had obviously agreed between them that weed would help the daughters education (who was about 13/15) and the mums retirement. That would never happen in England. 

Smoking cannabis out here isn't that big of a deal. And I could only imagine a mother and daughter rolling a doobie and smoking a J was like playing a game of Gin Rummy. I think that's because their drinking age is set at 21. Although with our binge drinking problems who am I to say 18 is a good age. 

Anyway, the meeting approached and Tris dropped me off. I cooly walked in 10 minutes early. I was greeted by the women I'd spoken to on the phone. She handed me a commercial book and said 'pick one, practice and show me'. 'Shall I’... She was on the phone. Well, she was busy I'll just get on with it. I practiced it in general American and memorised it. It went like this:

The two things I love in my life are my girlfriend Rita and the great taste of a Jack in the Box Cheeseburger. My girlfriend’s great, but she's no Jack in the box cheeseburger'. 

It was what it was. But I’d memorised it quite quickly, performed it in an American accent and stressed the correct intonation. (Or so I thought). As I went in she wanted me to do the commercial before we chatted. I asked if I should do it in an American accent, to which she said 'can you do the accent' I responded lightly 'I thought so, but now I am not too sure’ (I knew I could) but we shared a joke and she smiled. I got two lines in and was stopped. 'You haven't emphasised it correctly. You'll mess up the joke before you get to the end'. Well maybe wait 10 seconds and you might have found out. Believe it or not that's a good sign, and I am happy she stopped me. It gave me some direction and if I proved I can take direction then that's a bonus. I did the commercial, I've done numerous commercial castings, but this was a good one. We had a chat and there was no reason why she wasn't impressed with my training. 'How are you funding yourself'? Odd question but gave me a chance to boast about my Panto company I'd created. I let her into the secret of Pantomime and how wonderfully British it is. 

Then we talked Visas. I admitted I didn't have one but it said on my covering letter so she knew. 'You don't have a visa?!' 'No, but that was in my covering letter'. She waved my resume and headshot. I think to prove that it wasn't there, or she was fanning herself. 'There was one in there'. I reassured her and myself. Then it dawned on her that her intern hadn't passed that on and evidently hadn't read it. She was annoyed to say the least. 'I think it's good to see as many people like you as possible. And if the right opportunity came about obtaining a 01 visa is possible'. I was clutching at straws but also holding my own. She rolled her eyes. I was losing her. 'Yeah but you can't work now, so there is no point in continuing’. I had nothing to lose. So I said it, bold and brash 'so basing this on my resume and headshot you'd be interested in a future working together?' we held eye contact, maybe she liked this side of me. 'errm, I'd certainly like to see you, here's my card'. I couldn't read the situation. 'shut the door please'...oh I was leaving? I was back outside at 15:02. I didn't really know how to feel, I'd like to say my skills, resume, headshot and personality all came across in a positive light. It was legalities that caused the issues. But maybe I was just massaging a bruised ego. Auditions are like pancakes, you've got to get the first one out the way. 

Tris and I went to Venice. We had some food and beer on the front and as the sun came down the weirdoes came out. I really can't describe in words how crazy some of these people are. So I've added a video and you can pass judgement. But if this guy trying to legalise cannabis could see some of the consequences maybe he wouldn't except signatures from people under 18. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwrS5csFf6o&feature=g-upl

We played Poker with four of Tris's friends Mischa Crosby and Felicity came (the same two we went to the Nero gig with). I played the quiet confident card and came 3rd. It could have been worse. I could have been Tris. I forget where he came. On no, it was 6th. 

Lesson learnt. When it doesn't seem to be going your way. Change your technique, go in from a different angle.

Day 16. Suprises. The Good The Bad The Ugly

Jumped out of bed today. Well, twice in fact. As I am staying in the land lady’s bed with her thinking I am sleeping on Tris’s floor. (Don’t worry the landlady isn’t in the bed as well). She has another house and stays there...sometimes. So anytime I hear a noise I am up like a shot, think she’s about to find me in her marital bed in my pants and snoring away. 

The second time I jumped out of bed it was the morning, and today we were off to Universal Studios!...errm, research? (That small word means I can claim back the tax). We went with Tris’s parents and they picked us up. In the car it didn’t take me long to boast about how many times I’d visited Florida’s theme parks. (6 for those counting). So as my pedestal was set high we pulled into the parking lot. We parked in ‘Cartoon George’ I know, I’ve never heard of him and straight away. Florida 1-0 LA. As ever it was laid out amazingly and as it’s set in the hills the view all around is amazing. Apart from the grey clouds coming in and as the Americans put their plastic sheets over themselves I took a layer off and stayed loudly British. Upon entry not only do you walk through metal detectors and then have someone frisk you (someone official) but you now have to do a finger print ID. Reminded me of an earlier encounter, only this time there were no security guards walking around with my business cards. I felt like using the immortal ‘don’t worry mate you don’t need my finger prints, I’ve been to the original Universal six times. They know me’. Ok, last time I boast about that. We were in and I opened the map and...what?! ‘Limited times on all rides’. Strange as I missed the sign when I handed over my card ‘limited payment required’. Most if not all the rides are now in 3D- Terminator, Shrek, The Simpsons, part of the Mummy and Transformers. 

Those of you that have been to Florida will now 

notice that apart from Transformers every ride is exactly the same. Was this theme park not built to show off the monopoly Universal held over the filming industry? So why on earth are these parks identical? Mr Universal could only think of a handful of rides to express their great influence over films? Seemed like a cop out to me. Sure, the rides are all set out with great detail and nothing like the theme parks back home. We were lucky to ride Transformers as it doesn’t officially open until mid May. ‘Lucky?’ they’re lucky that I got to ride it.  All moaning aside I did absolutely love it. And we did the studio tour that was brilliant. They took us around all the sets and studios. We saw lots of mock up places and the entire housing estate of Desperate Housewives. (Insert high pitched shriek from the girls here). Most of the buildings you see in films are only about three foot deep.

I won’t fulfil any ignorant stereotypes of an entire Asian community by suggesting they enjoy photographs as I’ve noticed a new trend they seem to be following. If there is a group of four or more, one will hold a long stick with a small piece of memorabilia on the end. A panda, Mickey’s ears or a piece of ribbon ect. This is so they don’t get separated. Are they themselves suggesting that they look too similar to each other? Why not use the old fashioned way of names? I was bemused by such practices, and in a trance like was nearly following their ping pong ball on a stick. Then Tris called my name- so both practices worked.

After the soaking we got on Jurassic Park and getting a beer the bat phone rang! I looked at Tris, it couldn’t have been him calling- he was there! This was an agent. ‘Hello’? Wrong number. Only joking. In between the Jaws tune blaring out an agent wanted a meeting with me tomorrow! I patted myself on the back and realised I’d just bought a Bud Light. The bad has got to come with the good.

Last ride was a walk through. The haunted house walk through. As if the scenery, lack of lightening and music wasn’t enough a kid wielding a chainsaw or knife in a scary mask had to add to it! Groups of about twenty go through at a time. And just like last time I did one of these I was for one leading. I built myself up, I could lead my group into battle. A few WWHOOO RAAASSS later I yelled ‘follow me troops’! I no longer had any finger nails and a gorilla’s finger hanging between my cheeks. And inevitably I was the guinea pig for most of the scares. Every corner a teenager would jump out; I’d scream and then nervously laugh it off. Hoping that this wasn’t the teenager who’d finally had enough and actually wanted to run a knife into me. Like any good general I put Tris up front for a bit. (Collateral).

Then we left. Superb day and the best thing about these places are the shows. Stunts, gun shots and explosions all bring back memories of Nam...oh wait, I wasn’t a General anymore! Checked the bat phone and two messages ‘Hi Ethan, I am the intern here. Kathy really liked your photos and is looking forward to meeting with you tomorrow. Here’s the address...’ Brilliant! As all I could hear was Peter Jackson going on about some King Kong film he made when I was being told the address. Good day. Both touristy and productive.

Lesson Learnt: Sometimes you have just got to sit back. It’s at the times you least expect things to work out.

Day 15. Sales Assistants Robbing Me Blind

Today was another early start and I filled my head with the excitement of...visiting the post office. You can tell things are getting a tad dull this end.

After spending time yesterday selecting my 20 agents I made way down to the post office, same bus procedure. Wait 20 minutes and then enjoy the wonderful welcoming smile of a bus driver who should be modelling for Playboy and schmoozing with the likes of Nelson Mandela. 

As I arrived at the post office there was a queue outside the door. Not too dissimilar to England so far. The stamps that ‘lady’ sold me in Staples...who was unaware of the concepts of stamps until I questioned the prices are now redundant. It’s a dollar ten per stamp (again, not to dissimilar to England). Odd as the old Irish lady next to me whom kept repeating ‘it goin te Ireland’ and couldn’t get over how cheap her stamp was at $1. So it’s cheaper to send a letter abroad than it is to send a letter within the same country? Back home I could call Liz and tell her the floors in such pricing. And that her postal system wasn’t up to scratch. Here, no such luck. I reluctantly paid another $16 on stamps and realised I’d spent $75 on these 20 letters. ‘All an investment, all an investment, all an investment’. I had to keep repeating myself. It bought me down from a level 8.

Pottered around town and admired a jumper I wanted. ‘You know sir, that’s the last of them. Once they’re gone that’s it’. How could I resist? I mean once they’re gone they’re gone! And he seemed like a nice guy even if he was a bit too enthusiastic to get me into the changing rooms and try it on. I checked for secret cameras. It was safe. To the check out and greeted with a slight arrogance from the same sales assistant. Then our friendship went South.

‘Do you have ID sir?’ I’ve been ID’d for alcohol where ever I go and the cinema. I will NOT show any ID for a jumper. ‘ID, what do I need that for’? I said angrily, and he knew it...I backed down pretty quick and I wanted the jumper, so I showed ID. I was angry and he could see that. ‘Security sir...blah blah blah’. He’d sucked me in good, made a sale and to him I was just another number.

Back home and Tris had a casting in West Hollywood. He dropped me off at Beverly Hills mall and I aimlessly walked around until hunger kicked in and I got food. A little Chinese later I started to get America’s version of Delhi belly. Like a child I think I’d drunk too many fizzy drinks today, I was on the bad end of a sugar come down.

‘Sir would you like some tea’. I chuckled to myself. Tea? You don’t even know the meaning of it. Well, it was herbal, he seemed to have an Asian background and at the risk of treading on eggshells maybe he did know something about tea. Hang on a minute; I was now inside the shop. How did this happen? He started his sales pitch with ‘sir, have you heard of cast iron’? Which annoyed me straight. Is this guy serious? ‘Yes of course I’ve heard of cast iron’. I quipped back. He was genuinely surprised I had...a few week pitches later he asked ‘so should I go ahead and wrap this up’. No don’t ‘go ahead and wrap this up’. You’ve happened to gloss over the cost. ‘This whole set is $650’. ‘You’re joking’ and I walked away. Checked myself in a mirror in case some practical joker had stuck Prada and Gucci stickers on me and that’s where Mr Tea got the impression I’d pay that sort of money for something that can cost £10 in ASDA.

Met back up with Tris and we had another BritsinLA meeting to attend. A premier of the film Pirates. From Ardmann, the guys who bought us Wallace and Gromit. It was very good and I wouldn’t expect anything less from them. Although I couldn’t stop thinking throughout ‘odd how these are supposed to be networking and yet we’re all sat in silence in a cinema’. And then a joke distracted me.

Day ended in allegedly Jennifer Aniston’s favourite restaurant in LA. A Mexican which was nice, but then someone as prestigious as Jennifer Aniston tars a restaurant you have high expectations. I bet they love that she’s said that, but if I was a manager I’d be angry. I’d want a critic to say ‘very average and competitively priced’. I myself turned into quite a pedantic critic whilst I was there. To the point where the food was too good to moan about so I noticed the plastic table cloth and thought ‘surely this wasn’t here when Jen visits’? It couldn’t leave my mind and I left confused rather than full and satisfied.

Lesson leant: you can’t polish a turd, but if you wrap it in enough glitter you might get away with it.

Day 14. To Much Time Too Little Work.

Well I decided to wake up again at 08:30, sure it was early but having structure is good. I then realised I had NOTHING to do and lay there for half an hour thinking ‘I defiantly should have set my alarm for nine’. I debated with myself for a good 15 minutes and settled with last night’s Eastenders. As Tris left for his casting I’d turned my laptop on. (It was all bravado). As I went for my third box of Krave (chocolate covered wafers. Sounds bad but its breakfast so it can’t be right?).  I noticed a note to me. From Tris’s housemate, think of those Transvestites from the Bounty Adverts (Cleaning tissue not the left over Chocolates from a box of celebrations). Except she isn’t a transvestite but she does enjoy a perfectly clean house. Well, here is the note:

The ‘camp’ part is a word I taught her. She had never used it but says it’s like ‘Flamer’, I suggested she didn’t use that- because it was rubbish and she adopted camp. 

I thought ‘that’s lovely’. Then second guessed it. ‘Was she testing me’? It’s defiantly patronising, but I accept that’s what happens here and strangers High Five each other all the time. Her boyfriend lives here so it’s not a perverse way of coming onto me. Maybe I over analysed it a bit, but I did know one thing. It gave me the green light to be as messy as I wanted today (I was tidy and it was in writing). I threw my Krave on the floor and peed round the toilet seat. Now I was on holiday...not a holiday!

I worked again today. Settling with 20 agents/managers who’d receive my resumes and headshot via post. I rang a company about printing my headshot. I asked for the cost of a 10 by 8 to which she very promptly corrected me with ‘It’s called an 8 by 10 here’ (what an idiot I was. How did I not know such general knowledge?) ‘Depends which way you measure it’ I said chuckling to myself...there was phone silence. ‘Hello’? I said, clearly she didn’t hear my joke or the line was dead. ‘Yah I’m still here’. Oh, I realised this was all business and English charm had nothing on this woman. Although she did give me a very cheap $1.50 per 8 by 10 (10 by 8) and I’ll go in later to pick them up. Can’t wait to call them 10 by 8’s and see how long I can get away with it...So as I went in to collect them I read the situation and joking about size was not on the menu. They took my photos and did some great work with them, added my name and took me through the different types of paper they’d be using. Then it all turned sour when the guy asked if I like ‘colourful’ jokes, what he meant to say was racist ones. It all got a bit awkward after that and I waited in silence for 15 minutes for them to be done. We went to the Supermarket to get a movie. They have ‘Redbox’ here which was basically a vending machine for movie rentals. I am sure you can guess what happens, so we got one of them. Then I got back here, wrote out 20 envelopes and headers and will be posting them tomorrow.

Lesson Learnt: When people say ‘Oh he has such a colourful personality’ I will now think twice about meeting that person.